Today’s prompt: “Elvis Costello said that writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Discuss.”
Sure, exactly like how writing about death is just like dancing about death.
Plié. Jeté. Arabesque. You drown in a lake full of swans.
Today’s prompt: “Fix the plot of the worst movie you’ve ever seen.”
It starts out pretty much exactly the same way as the original, but the battle scene isn’t a fakeout. It’s not Alice showing you what’s going to happen if you insist on going to war – it’s what happens when you, in fact, actually go to war. Alice plants a kick on your jaw and you go flying impossibly high, your red-lined cape billowing, but you land on your feet, dragging your hand through the snow until you stand inexplicably shoulder to shoulder with your Volturi brethren even though it looked like Alice kicked you way farther than that. And then the special effects come fast and loose, and Carlisle runs up with his goofy fast-run, stopping only to effortlessly knock one vamp down and send another flying off to the side. And then he does a big big jump, and you do a big big jump, and you smack into each other in the middle of the air, and his body falls behind you, and you stand up and reveal HIS SEVERED HEAD OH SNAP. ‘Cause I guess that’s how you kill a vampire, you just like karate chop their heads off with your bare hands or something. For immortal beings, your heads come off real real easy.
Anyhow, the other side’s like wailing now, or standing there in shock, and you smile this impish little smile. And then Edward and Bella lead the other side’s vampires in a charge at you. The werewolves start growling, but they hold their position for the moment. And then you throw up your arms, showing off your red cape and hold up, is that a band uniform? Your jacket, it looks like a band uniform. Weird. You do you, dog. Anyway, you throw up your arms, signalling the vampires on your side to charge, and then the wolves leap, and the two sides are running so hard, and then there’s this sweet aerial shot of the two sides converging.
And then there’s a lot of punching and wolves jumping. And then this one guy tackles Bella, and then Dakota Fanning starts killing people with her mind or something? I dunno, it’s been a real long time since I saw this movie. And another guy in a red cape and band uniform karate chops off someone’s head while a second guy in a red cape and band uniform holds the head chopee still for him. And in revenge for that, one of the guys from Edward and Bella’s crew – look, I didn’t read the books, and I’m not going to rewatch the whole movie just so I can give you a play-by-play with names other than the ones I can find with some cursory googling. One of the guys from Edward and Bella’s crew clotheslines the second guy in the red cape and band uniform, and pushes him down into the snow with his foot, and then holds his head still with one hand while he pulls his body off of his head with the other. I know that sounds backward, pulling his body off his head, not his head off his body, but that’s totally what happens. He throws the body into the air when he’s done.
Then Alice does some kind of sweet kick flip, and Edward gets punched in such a way that he totally looks like he’s doing Cammy’s Spiral Arrow in Street Fighter, except he falls right into the snow. And then a werewolf and a vampire crash into each other in midair, and the wolf lands on top and starts tearing off bits of vampire, including the head. But then Dakota Fanning stares at the wolf and it falls over and starts whining. It gets up, but another band uniform vamp grabs it from behind and snaps its neck, or bear hugs it to death, hard to tell.
After that there’s some general melee for a bit, and then this one kid hits the ground with his fist so hard a small canyon develops in the middle of the battlefield. Some guys get kicked into the canyon, and there’s a dramatic scene where a wolf saves someone from being dragged into the canyon only to fall into the canyon itself. But you’re looking on all blasé.
Edward falls into the canyon, but in some kind of freak accident where a rock blasts out from the roiling magma at the bottom, he gets thrust back onto the surface, lands on a band uniform vamp, pulls the band uniform vamp’s head backward, and snaps it off. Alice starts chasing Dakota Fanning, jumps in front of her, and drags her to a black wolf, who jumps on her and rips her head off.
And that pisses you off so much you make an angry motion with your cape.
One of the vamps on your side gets electrocuted and then they pull his jaw apart until his head gets ripped in half, but you barely even notice. You stroll out to the middle of the battlefield, and then start doing a goofy fast-run. Bella and Edward run toward you. Bella gets there first, and you knock her backwards and she smashes right into Edward. That was satisfying. Then Edward and Bella take each other’s hands and stand up real slowly, and you do your goofy fast-run toward them again, but Edward picks up Bella and twirls her around so she can kick you. You stagger back a few paces, but then Edward straight up throws his wife at you. Friggin’ weirdos. Edward gets you in a headlock, but you break out of it, and you’ve almost succeeded in prying Edward’s head off his neck when Bella gets back up, launches herself onto your shoulders, places her hand under your chin, and holds you like that until Edward kicks your legs out from you. Bella’s chokehold finally pries your head loose and it rolls away in the snow.
So yeah. Not a fakeout. Not a waking dream sequence. Not a vision. You actually die.
If it’s any consolation, Dakota Fanning wasn’t really dead. One of the vamps on the field had been working some kind of illusion magic. She ends up killing Edward with her mind. And then Bella attacks her, and they both fall into the canyon and die. So, uh, I guess that’s not much consolation because Dakota Fanning does die after all. It’s a real shame.
You know what else is a shame? Google probably thinks I like Twilight now.
Today’s prompt: “A child is doing homework with an adult. Who are they? Reveal their relationship through their interaction about the schoolwork.”
“Olive, what are you doing?”
“Cultist homework.”
“Yeah, but what?”
“It’s a ritual sacrifice.”
“Honey, who taught you how to do that?”
“I’m doing it just like they show in the textbook.”
“Oh, these newfangled textbooks, it’s like new math all over again.” The man picks up the textbook and stares at the pages. “Okay, I can see how that diagram is confusing. Look, Olive, let me help you with something real quick. It’s going to be much easier if you hold the knife like this.” He adjusts the girl’s grip on the hilt, and re-angles the blade along your throat.
“Rrrrrrgh,” you say through the gag.
“It feels weird holding it that way, Dad,” Olive says.
“Trust me, Olive, you’re going to have much more control if you hold it like this. You’ll find it’s much easier to cut through muscle that way. Now why don’t you give it a go.”
Today’s prompt: “Write the lyrics of a rap song. They must include a cop, a bad drug bust, and a dog.”
Yo, you were sitting in your apartment bagging up weed
When the cops bust in, guns raised, didn’t read
Your rights. You run out back like the bus in Speed
And catch a bullet in the shoulder so you start to bleed.
And right behind you is the K-9 unit.
The dogs don’t respect your rights either, to whit,
They bite you right on your leg. You say, screw it,
You’re definitely in deep Shih Tzu shit.
You kick away the dog but your calves he’s tearing.
The pain jolts through you and you start swearing.
Your adrenaline’s pumping but your muscles are wearing.
And the cops are there and you know they ain’t caring
If they take you dead, or take you alive.
And then five more cop cars arrive.
You raise up your hands because you want to survive
But they shoot anyway ‘cause they’re in overdrive.
Today’s prompt: “Begin a story describing only two hands. Use the physical characteristics of the hands, as well as any relevant activity or movement, gesture, fidgeting, and so on, to reveal who the hands belong to.” [They’re yours, of course. Why bother with suspense?]
They started out with a frenzy of movements. Slapping, knocking against your tight surroundings as you screamed for help. Then your hands balled up into fists and struck out as you hoped against hope to escape. Your hands settled into a steady drumbeat against the wood. Your knuckles are bloodied from beating against the coffin lid. Against all odds, you managed to crack it, but you can’t seem to make a hole, not one you can crawl through. Three of your nails are torn. Splinters are embedded in most of your fingers, including under two fingernails, but you barely notice what would normally be agonizing. Your fingers worry at the fracture, dig at it, scrabble against it, loosen a few more wooden fragments. Dirt falls through the fissure and decorates your blood-crusted hands, dusting them with freshly turned soil. You begin punching the lid again, hoping more blows near the crack will widen the gap and make it spread. But now, as the oxygen depletes, your hands tremble. Your blows weaken. Your movements slow. Your fists slacken.
Today’s prompt: “Your worst experience playing a sport”
That time Tommy Ruiz threw a fastball so hard it tore a hole through the middle of your torso.
(P.S. – Short post today in particular because I just finished out a nearly 14-hour shift as a poll worker. I hope you all voted.)
Today’s prompt: “The apology a recently disgraced public figure should have offered up, in place of the one penned by his or her public relations handlers.”
The following statement was made by your governor after hundreds of thousands of people in your state, including you, died of COVID-19:
“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been reported that our state has been one of the worst affected in the country by coronavirus. Let me put these rumors to rest. The increase in deaths in our state are not due to coronavirus. That’s merely one thing that’s been put on the death certificate, falsely in many cases since doctors get paid – what, are we seriously going with this garbage? This straight-up hoax the president is pushing, libeling the good men and women who take care of us in our hour of need? No, this is bullshit. First off, it’s not even remotely true. Doctors don’t get paid more if you had COVID. And to suggest these people on the front lines are on the take is simply reprehensible. Also, this effort to minimize the number of deaths by claiming that if there were other causes of death in addition to coronavirus on a death certificate, that that doesn’t count as coronavirus? That’s bullshit too. If you’ve got pneumonia and coronavirus on a death certificate, you got the pneumonia because you got the coronavirus. Let’s not be obtuse. If anything, the numbers of deaths due to COVID that you see are undercounts, because it doesn’t count people who died in their homes and never got autopsied.
“Let’s see, what else is on these cards? The liberal media, yadda yadda yadda …. Increases in testing causes increases in coronavirus – nope, that’s obviously dumb, especially when we have such a high positivity rate. What else have we got here … mask mandates don’t work, the fine people of this state wouldn’t have heeded one, some say masks cause COVID, who wrote this crap? No. Obviously masks don’t cause COVID. Y’all see that University of Kansas study comparing COVID case numbers in the counties that adopted a mask ordinance versus those that didn’t? Huge drops in COVID numbers in the counties with the mask ordinances. Big rises in the other counties. So yeah, people comply with mask ordinances. Maybe not all of them, but enough to make a difference. And yeah, they save lives.
“So, I’m sure you’re all wondering, if I know all the facts about how deadly the virus is and how widespread it is and how much masks help curb it, why didn’t I institute a mask mandate? The answer is simple. My cult’s trying to get our human sacrifice numbers up. And while I’m probably only going to get partial credit for each death given that the direct cause of death is natural causes rather than blood sacrifice, I’m more than making up for that in sheer volume. Winning!”