Fix It in Post
11 Nov 2020Today’s prompt: “Fix the plot of the worst movie you’ve ever seen.”
It starts out pretty much exactly the same way as the original, but the battle scene isn’t a fakeout. It’s not Alice showing you what’s going to happen if you insist on going to war – it’s what happens when you, in fact, actually go to war. Alice plants a kick on your jaw and you go flying impossibly high, your red-lined cape billowing, but you land on your feet, dragging your hand through the snow until you stand inexplicably shoulder to shoulder with your Volturi brethren even though it looked like Alice kicked you way farther than that. And then the special effects come fast and loose, and Carlisle runs up with his goofy fast-run, stopping only to effortlessly knock one vamp down and send another flying off to the side. And then he does a big big jump, and you do a big big jump, and you smack into each other in the middle of the air, and his body falls behind you, and you stand up and reveal HIS SEVERED HEAD OH SNAP. ‘Cause I guess that’s how you kill a vampire, you just like karate chop their heads off with your bare hands or something. For immortal beings, your heads come off real real easy.
Anyhow, the other side’s like wailing now, or standing there in shock, and you smile this impish little smile. And then Edward and Bella lead the other side’s vampires in a charge at you. The werewolves start growling, but they hold their position for the moment. And then you throw up your arms, showing off your red cape and hold up, is that a band uniform? Your jacket, it looks like a band uniform. Weird. You do you, dog. Anyway, you throw up your arms, signalling the vampires on your side to charge, and then the wolves leap, and the two sides are running so hard, and then there’s this sweet aerial shot of the two sides converging.
And then there’s a lot of punching and wolves jumping. And then this one guy tackles Bella, and then Dakota Fanning starts killing people with her mind or something? I dunno, it’s been a real long time since I saw this movie. And another guy in a red cape and band uniform karate chops off someone’s head while a second guy in a red cape and band uniform holds the head chopee still for him. And in revenge for that, one of the guys from Edward and Bella’s crew – look, I didn’t read the books, and I’m not going to rewatch the whole movie just so I can give you a play-by-play with names other than the ones I can find with some cursory googling. One of the guys from Edward and Bella’s crew clotheslines the second guy in the red cape and band uniform, and pushes him down into the snow with his foot, and then holds his head still with one hand while he pulls his body off of his head with the other. I know that sounds backward, pulling his body off his head, not his head off his body, but that’s totally what happens. He throws the body into the air when he’s done.
Then Alice does some kind of sweet kick flip, and Edward gets punched in such a way that he totally looks like he’s doing Cammy’s Spiral Arrow in Street Fighter, except he falls right into the snow. And then a werewolf and a vampire crash into each other in midair, and the wolf lands on top and starts tearing off bits of vampire, including the head. But then Dakota Fanning stares at the wolf and it falls over and starts whining. It gets up, but another band uniform vamp grabs it from behind and snaps its neck, or bear hugs it to death, hard to tell.
After that there’s some general melee for a bit, and then this one kid hits the ground with his fist so hard a small canyon develops in the middle of the battlefield. Some guys get kicked into the canyon, and there’s a dramatic scene where a wolf saves someone from being dragged into the canyon only to fall into the canyon itself. But you’re looking on all blasé.
Edward falls into the canyon, but in some kind of freak accident where a rock blasts out from the roiling magma at the bottom, he gets thrust back onto the surface, lands on a band uniform vamp, pulls the band uniform vamp’s head backward, and snaps it off. Alice starts chasing Dakota Fanning, jumps in front of her, and drags her to a black wolf, who jumps on her and rips her head off.
And that pisses you off so much you make an angry motion with your cape.
One of the vamps on your side gets electrocuted and then they pull his jaw apart until his head gets ripped in half, but you barely even notice. You stroll out to the middle of the battlefield, and then start doing a goofy fast-run. Bella and Edward run toward you. Bella gets there first, and you knock her backwards and she smashes right into Edward. That was satisfying. Then Edward and Bella take each other’s hands and stand up real slowly, and you do your goofy fast-run toward them again, but Edward picks up Bella and twirls her around so she can kick you. You stagger back a few paces, but then Edward straight up throws his wife at you. Friggin’ weirdos. Edward gets you in a headlock, but you break out of it, and you’ve almost succeeded in prying Edward’s head off his neck when Bella gets back up, launches herself onto your shoulders, places her hand under your chin, and holds you like that until Edward kicks your legs out from you. Bella’s chokehold finally pries your head loose and it rolls away in the snow.
So yeah. Not a fakeout. Not a waking dream sequence. Not a vision. You actually die.
If it’s any consolation, Dakota Fanning wasn’t really dead. One of the vamps on the field had been working some kind of illusion magic. She ends up killing Edward with her mind. And then Bella attacks her, and they both fall into the canyon and die. So, uh, I guess that’s not much consolation because Dakota Fanning does die after all. It’s a real shame.
You know what else is a shame? Google probably thinks I like Twilight now.