28 Jan 2019
Today’s prompt: “The talk-show host”
SM: “And we’re back! If you’re just tuning in, this is R’lyeh Talk with me, your host, Steven Maul. With me is frequent guest of the show and High Priest of the Church of Shub-Niggurath, Ben Knight!”
[Audience cheers.]
BK: “Thanks for having me, Steven!”
SM: “And, with the group that calls themselves the Resistance, [insert-your-name-here]. [Insert-your-name-here], what do you have to say for yourself?”
You: “I – wait, what?”
SM: “You’ve been stoking fears for some time against The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. Today we’re having you and Ben Knight on to engage in a little R’lyeh Talk!”
You: “I don’t know if I’d use the phrase ‘stoking fears’ so much as ‘warning the public.’ Shub-Niggurath’s followers have been known to offer her blood sacrifices, usually of people. We have proof.”
BK: “You’re not still talking about that grainy footage out of Kansas City, are you? That’s long since been discredited.”
You: “No, it hasn’t, the woman who shot it was intimidated into making that statement! And–”
BK: “Oh, please.”
You: “And other videos have cropped up since then!”
BK: “Those aren’t even convincing fakes!”
SM: “[Insert-your-name-here], I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop slandering Shub-Niggurath. This isn’t that type of show.”
You: “O-okay.”
SM: “Ben, how large of a threat to the republic would you characterize groups like the Resistance who plant fake stories about Shub-Niggurath in order to excuse and distract from their own hateful crimes against the Great Old One and her many innocent followers?”
You: “Wait, I thought this wasn’t that type of show?”
BK: “Steven, it’s no exaggeration and certainly no slander to say that groups like the Resistance are a major threat to this country. We all need to get right with Shub-Niggurath so she will bestow her blessings on this nation. Shub-Niggurath smiles on her followers, and we in her church want to show believers how they can be their best selves. Groups like the Resistance want to destroy all our good work, not only with their doctored videos of so-called ‘sacrifices’ that they use to try to scare people, but last weekend a member of the Resistance assaulted one of our young female parishioners.”
You: “The full-length footage shows the exact opposite of that. She was trying to steal his camera and pushed him several times. He never struck her – only tried to prevent her from grabbing his camera – you’re the one doctoring–”
SM: “I guess what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
You: “We’ve never–”
SM: “Ben, I’d like you to talk a little more about how Shub-Niggurath can help us be our best selves.”
BK: “Happy to, Steven. Shub-Niggurath treats her followers like her own children. She nurses us, and we can even be reborn from her, in ways that are truly transformational. Her love for us changes our entire being and endows us with immortality.”
[Splitscreen with you and Brian Knight shows you rolling your eyes.]
You: “Yeah, I’ve heard about this too. Look, I’ll admit I don’t have hard and fast proof on this, but my understanding is that people who drink Shub-Niggurath’s milk turn into ferocious beasts, and that some of her worshippers are swallowed up into her womb and then spat back out as satyrs.”
SM: “Now that’s enou–”
BK: “I know, isn’t it wonderful?”
[Steven Maul nervously raps a stack of papers on his desk.]
SM: “Ha ha, such a kidder, Ben! Well, I guess we’ll all get to see for ourselves how wonderful this Outer Goddess is, because guess what, ladies and gentlemen, we are so honored today to be able to welcome our final guest of today’s show, the Black Goat of the Woods herself, Shub-Niggurath!”
[Thunderous applause. A massive shape with black tentacles, dripping mouths and goat legs appearing around its form suddenly looms behind you.]
SM: “Well I have tons of questions for Shub-Niggurath, but my producers are telling me we need to take a quick break. Stay tuned, because you do not want to miss this discussion!”
[Two minute ad break, during which you are devoured by Shub-Niggurath.]
SM: “Welcome back to R’lyeh Talk. I’m afraid one of our guests from before the break, [insert-your-name-here], had an emergency come up and won’t be able to join us for this segment. But I know we’re all looking forward to a great conversation with the Outer Goddess Shub-Niggurath! So, Shub-Niggurath, what’s it like to be an immortal being beyond all comprehension?”
27 Jan 2019
Today’s prompt: “How you feel about love these days”
When you were a kid, Valentine’s Day involved pink and red construction paper hearts, and glitter. And cards with Snoopy or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on them. And those candy hearts that tasted like chalk. Love, in general, was icky and put you at risk of cooties. But it definitely lived in the heart.
As you got older, the whole thing about love actually coming from your heart seemed a little silly now that you knew more about its central role in the cardiovascular system. But it still made an intuitive kind of sense, particularly when you felt palpitations around a new crush.
But in this particular moment, as the member of the Order of Dagon twists a knife in your heart, you know love has nothing to do with that now destroyed organ. Why else would your thoughts now rush to your loved ones, thoughts filled with everything you’ve ever felt for them, of your last moments with them, of regret that you won’t have more time with them? No. The heart isn’t where love resides. It just helps keep us around so we can keep loving.
26 Jan 2019
Today’s prompt: “A cockroach at the Roosevelt”
And here all this time you thought Franz Kafka was a fiction writer.
You made plans with your friends Mike and Rachel to visit New York. See what you could get tickets for on Broadway, check out Central Park, maybe go to MoMA or just go shopping. And you were going to stay at the Roosevelt, maybe have a drink there at the Madison Lounge and try to imagine what the place would’ve looked like when it first opened and there were flappers everywhere.
You checked into the Roosevelt late Thursday evening, had drinks with Mike and Rachel, made plans for Broadway tomorrow evening, and then left for your room to crash, exhausted from your flight.
And then you awoke from uneasy dreams and found yourself transformed in your bed into an insect.
Not a giant one, like Gregor Samsa. An ordinary cockroach.
It takes you a while to wriggle out from under the covers. Why did this happen? HOW did this happen? It doesn’t make rational sense. The conservation of mass issues alone….
You scuttle out of the bed and look around the room for anything out of the ordinary. Some magic item or futuristic ray or some other fantastic sci-fi device. But nothing stands out. Basic hotel sheets. Basic hotel lamps. Ice bucket. Room service menu. “Do Not Disturb” sign.
Oh crap.
You were so distraught by your transformation that you hadn’t registered the sound of the maid’s cart rolling down the hall. Now she’s swiping a keycard in your door and pulling down the door handle.
You scurry, but she sees you and crushes you beneath her sensible shoes. She flushes your carcass and vigorously scrubs the carpet of your remains. She discreetly informs the management, and the hotel temporarily closes soon for fumigation.
Such a shame. You were really looking forward to Kinky Boots.
25 Jan 2019
Today’s prompt: “Tell the true story of a dramatic moment in your life, but weave in one secret and one lie.” [Sort of breaking this one since I’m still doing the second-person fiction thing, but it is inspiring me as to the setup.]
“You start, Ginny,” you say.
“Let’s see,” she says, focusing her eyes in the middle distance and pausing for a few seconds. “Got it. I restore vintage motorcycles in my spare time, I have five cats, and I’ve never cooked anything more complicated than Kraft macaroni and cheese.”
“It’s the cats, isn’t it?” Dana says.
“Yeah, it could be the macaroni, but I think it’s the cats,” you say.
Jake nods. Lance shrugs.
“You got me,” Ginny said. “I only have three cats.”
“That’s cool about the motorcycles,” you say. “I never would have guessed.”
“You’re next,” Ginny says to Jake while swirling her glass of Merlot.
“Okay. I once spent a year in Guatemala without learning Spanish before I left. I published my own webcomic for three years. And once I went skinny dipping with friends and couldn’t find my shorts afterwards, so I had to drive home in just my underwear.”
“Uh, Guatemala?” you say.
“I think it’s the skinny dipping one,” Ginny says.
“I’m stumped,” Dana says.
“I think Guatemala too,” Lance says.
“It was the skinny dipping one,” Jake says.
“Oh, I should have known!” Dana says.
“Nice, Ginny,” Lance says.
You look at Dana. “My turn?” she says.
“Yep,” you reply.
“All right,” she says. “I’m the god Olkoth, come to Earth in human form. I’m here to kill every last one of you at this party. And I’m deathly allergic to cheesecake,” she says, punctuating her sentence by shoveling a forkful of New York style cheesecake into her mouth.
24 Jan 2019
Today’s prompt: “Your friend calls to say she saw you in the back of a police car yesterday. What happened?”
The arresting officer was one of the Xrathgul demons that have overtaken our planet. You were arrested for walking while human. You made the mistake of attempting to talk the cop out of the arrest while making a gesture that most humans would interpret as conciliatory, but most Xrathgul demons consider offensive. Resisting arrest is a capital crime in our new regime. I’m afraid your friend had to leave a message.
23 Jan 2019
Today’s prompt: “Write a recipe for disaster.”
2 Old Ones, rivals
2 1/2 cups fanatical worshippers, divided
The blood of one virgin
A pinch of mystic artifacts
3 cups innocent bystanders, including yourself
1/4 cup raisins
Soak raisins in water until plump; drain. Sift half the fanatical worshippers with the first of the Old Ones, along with the blood of a virgin. Let stand until frothy. In a separate bowl, combine the remaining fanatical worshippers with the second of the Old Ones and the mystic artifacts. Mix until a doughlike mass forms. Add second Old One mixture to first; stir to combine. Add bystanders in, about a half cup at a time, stirring after each addition. Knead. Form into loaves. Bake at 350 degrees for several eons. Throw the raisins away.
22 Jan 2019
Today’s prompt: “A man jumps from the fortieth story of a building. As he’s passing the twenty-eighth floor, he hears a phone ring and regrets that he jumped. Why?” [As usual, I’m going to avoid gendering the reader.]
“I’m going to be worried about you the whole time,” you tell Josh and Kylie.
“At least you’ll know exactly what’s going on,” Kylie tells you.
“Just because we have the mind link doesn’t mean I can’t be worried,” you tell them. Silently.
“We’ve infiltrated the group before,” Josh thinks. “We’ll be fine.”
“Everyone there’s going to be focused on the sacrifice,” Kylie thinks. “And the book isn’t part of that. I know. I’ve been helping them gather ingredients. Josh has been in their security meetings, helping them organize. He knows the guards are all going to be posted around the ritual. But they won’t be around the library.”
You’re scanning their thoughts for any trace that their bravado is false. But they’re really quite confident.
“Still. What should I do if you guys are caught?” you think.
“Don’t even think that–” Kylie starts.
“Give yourself a quick death,” Josh thinks.
Kylie’s eyes shoot daggers at him. “I didn’t mean to think that,” he tells you.
“Are you ready?” Kylie directs her thoughts to you.
“I guess,” you think.
“I need you to be ready,” she responds. “You’re the only one outside of that cult who can read the language the book is in. We need you ready to cast that spell, seal up the rift between dimensions. It’s our best shot at saving the world from the Old Ones.”
You pause. You breathe. “I’m ready. Almost. Everything I’ve heard about this spell says it needs to be cast from a high elevation.”
“Good. You take all your casting equipment to the tower roof,” Josh thinks. “Trust us. We’ll get you the book.”
Kylie and Josh think-bicker as they walk away. You can still hear them in your head as you drive to Wilson Tower. In the passenger seat, your staff is nestled against a backpack full of various powders, a lighter, seven smooth pebbles, crystals in five different colors, ziplock bags filled with dried leaves, and a small wand – anything you’ve used to cast spells in the past. You hope the spell doesn’t call for anything exotic.
“If it does, we’ll find it,” Kylie tells you.
“I’m glad one of us is optimistic,” you think back.
You get into the elevator at Wilson Tower, cast a minor magnetic power spell that mimics access cards, and push the button for 40. You zip past floor after floor of law firms and investment banks.
“We’re almost at the hall,” Josh thinks.
“The old Shriners’ building?” you think.
“Right, if we see it, we’re effectively thinking it,” Josh thinks. “The cult bought it a few months ago.”
“Yeah, I might bother less with thinking complete sentences from here on out,” Kylie tells you both.
You see a robed guard within the arched doorway.
“A quiet world,” Josh’s voice rings aloud.
“A quiet world,” you hear the guard respond through Josh and Kylie’s ears.
The elevator dings and you walk out onto the 40th floor. You walk through the Wilson Tower corridors, looking for a door to a stairwell with roof access.
Your thoughts fill with visions of dimly lit hallways, newly painted black since the hall’s acquisition from the Shriners. As Josh and Kylie pass through the corridors, you see red vinyl lettering on one wall – part of a summoning spell, in a cheery script straight out of motivational posters.
You find your door, cast an unlock spell, and charge up to the roof.
Josh and Kylie pass armed guards and the occasional chanting figure here and there, but the cult members seem to be thinning out, and the ones they come across are heading toward the center of the building.
“They’re going to the ceremony,” Kylie thinks.
Josh and Kylie keep walking through the halls, but you’re less focused on them. You lay your backpack on the ground, unzip it, and take out a small bag of pale blue powder. You pour the powder into your palm, then sprinkle it into a circle. Thank goodness there’s no wind tonight. You arrange the seven smooth stones at intervals around the circle.
“Here we are,” Josh thinks. You see it in their thoughts – the door to the library. Kylie is just opening it when a door opens a few feet away. The men’s restroom. A massive guard with an overabundance of sharp weapons at his belt steps out of the bathroom and sees Josh and Kylie.
“What are you doing here?” he says.
I guess he’s realized something’s up, because he doesn’t wait for an answer. In one swift movement he pulls the sword from its scabbard and swings it toward Josh and Kylie. Suddenly, you can’t see or hear anything from them. The mind link is gone.
“Oh shit oh shit oh shit,” you say. “Oh shit.”
You wait a minute. You wait another minute. You wait another five minutes. Nothing. The world has never been so quiet.
A quick death, then. It’s a better offer than you’ll get from the Old Ones.
You leave the circle. You walk to the side of the building. You step up onto the ledge.
You jump.
An obnoxious ringtone erupts from your pocket. Out of habit, you pull out your phone.
It’s Kylie.
Kylie leaves a message. “Hey, hope you weren’t too freaked out a couple minutes ago. Your mind link spell failed – maybe we broke concentration when that guard attacked us or something? Anyhow, we’re fine. We dodged his first swipe, and then Josh managed to grab his sword away from him and kill him before he could call for backup. Anyway, we got the book! We’re out, all safe and sound. Sorry I couldn’t call earlier – I swear, those hallways are so long, and I didn’t feel safe calling until we were well away from the building. So, ready to cast a spell?”