11 Apr 2022
Today’s prompt: “The closest experience you’ve ever had to having your life flash before your eyes”
That time when you got a nosebleed and it didn’t seem like it was ever going to stop.
Watching Saturday morning cartoons with your siblings while eating Cocoa Puffs.
That camping trip when you were toasting a marshmallow and it caught fire and you tried to wave the fire out but the marshmallow flew off your stick and landed on your brother’s shoe.
Saying goodbye to your first pet dog.
That time when you actually made your free throws and it won the game.
A bunch of other times when you missed your free throws.
Your first kiss.
Your first job, at a fast food place. For years afterward, you had nightmares about cleaning that place.
Stressing out over college applications.
Prom.
Your first car crash.
Your first time having sex.
Countless hours writing fanfic.
Countless hours playing video games.
The first, fourth, and 27th dates of your first serious relationship.
The first, seventh, and 34th dates of your current relationship.
And tons and tons of dog walks, drinking beer, watching TV, reading, doing homework, doing work work, washing dishes, masturbating, changing light bulbs, mowing lawns, texting friends, commuting, buying groceries, and petting cats and dogs, all kind of interspersed in between.
Yeah, so the closest I’ve ever been to having my life flash before my eyes is when I was standing right next to you when a memory wraith attacked and killed you and got your memory residue all over me.
08 Apr 2022
Today’s prompt: “Write the menu for a restaurant – including names for dishes and descriptions of flavors and ingredients. Then rewrite it for the delivery/to-go menu. The delivery menu must be half as long, but just as tantalizing.”
Cafe Veleno
Insalata
House Salad
Mixed greens – butter lettuce, arugula, baby spinach, and henbane leaves – topped with garlicky croutons, chopped fresh tomatoes, grated carrots, sliced radishes, pickled red onion slices, and diced water hemlock. Dressed with our signature lemon-oregano vinaigrette.
Pasta
Wild Mushroom Ravioli
Morel, chanterelle, and amanita phalloides mushrooms, beautifully sauteed and chopped fine, make the perfect filling for this classic pasta dish.
Spaghetti Bolognese
Our twist on the classic! A robust tomato sauce with grass-fed beef, pancetta, and local carrots and celery served over freshly made pasta, finished with a drizzle of antifreeze.
Secondo
Chicken Piccata
Tender butterflied chicken breast lightly fried and served in a pan sauce with lemon juice, shallots, capers, and belladonna berries and decorated with thinly sliced lemon.
Osso Buco
Braised lamb shank slow-roasted with parsnips, celeriac, leeks and tomatoes. Served over a bed of rat poison.
Cafe Veleno
House Salad
Butter lettuce, arugula, baby spinach, henbane leaves, tomatoes, carrot, radishes, pickled red onion, water hemlock, croutons, lemon-oregano vinaigrette.
Wild Mushroom Ravioli
Morel, chanterelle, amanita phalloides.
Spaghetti Bolognese
Local tomatoes, carrots and celery. Grass-fed beef. Drizzle of antifreeze.
Chicken Piccata
Butterflied chicken, lemon, shallot, capers, belladonna berries.
Osso Buco
Braised lamb shank, parsnip, celeriac, leek, tomatoes, rat poison.
You know, you could have eaten somewhere else.
06 Apr 2022
Today’s prompt: “What’s your biggest secret? What would happen if it was just discovered?”
Your biggest secret is your current whereabouts, what with the mob being after you and all. And when it’s discovered, why, you’ll just die.
04 Apr 2022
Today’s prompt: “Write about one thing on the list to the left.”
Ugh, that guy was such an asshole. The entire time he was strangling you and then desecrating your corpse, he would not stop ribbiting.
01 Apr 2022
Today’s prompt: “Jot down a list of things that make you angry.”
Injustice
Attempts at disenfranchisement
The threat of white supremacy and Christian nationalism
Attacks on vulnerable populations, like transgender children and immigrants
Mansplaining
The way you got murdered by that guy in a Pepe the Frog costume
30 Mar 2022
Today’s prompt: “You are a pirate. Describe your perfect day.”
You’re midway through your breakfast of salt pork and ale when your first mate bursts in to tell you that the lad in the crow’s nest has just spotted a merchant ship.
You give orders to the crew of your ship, the Tipsy Mermaid, to pursue it. The wind is with you and you quickly catch up to the vessel. You can see the merchant ship’s cannons trained at you, and the members of the ship’s crew seem to be gathered around the cannons, but they aren’t firing any shots even though you’re in range. You suspect they’ve been unable to keep their powder dry.
You steer the Tipsy Mermaid along the starboard side of the merchant vessel and hand the wheel to your first mate. You’ve decided you’ll be part of the boarding party. You swing on a rope to the merchant vessel with your cutlass in your teeth and your free hand clutching your favorite pistol.
A man with a fancy jacket with fancy epaulettes is rushing towards you with a pistol. His shot goes wide, but you hit him in the shoulder, a few inches down from the epaulette. He screams and drops to his knees as blood soaks through his fancy jacket. Two other men are charging toward you. One of your boarding party members shoots one in the gut. You switch the pistol to your non-dominant hand, take the cutlass from your teeth, and slash the onrushing member of the merchant ship crew across the chest. You look for the next assailant, but other members of this ship’s crew seem to be rushing toward the fancy man. You reload your pistol and aim at him again.
“Please, no more,” he says, raising his hands. “We surrender.” One of his crew members is crouched next to him, attempting to stop the bleeding in his shoulder.
You and your crew members search the merchant ship and seize a cache of weapons, a sizable portion of its food supplies, several barrels of rum (hurrah!), and the goods the merchants were carrying – enough spices to pay for two more ships. You’ve never seen so much pepper in all your life.
The nearest friendly port is less than a day of sailing away, and even though you and your crew dip into the rum almost immediately, you arrive in the evening in time to sell most of the spices to some of the corrupt merchants in town.
It’s been a fantastic day. Your parrot didn’t even shit on your shoulder once.
You start the night in a tavern, and then make your way to a bordello, where you have a wonderful time catching a case of syphilis that ultimately proves fatal.
28 Mar 2022
Today’s prompt: “Scientists announce they’ve discovered the secret to immortality. Write a petition letter to save the event of death.” [I’m going to play with the format a bit here.]
“In our top story tonight, scientists have announced they’ve discovered the secret to immortality! Let’s go to our correspondent Valerie at the scientists’ press conference for more on this incredible news.”
“Thanks, Mark. The lead researchers on this project, Dr. Vincent Singh, Dr. Madeleine Chao and Dr. [insert your name here], have just stepped up to the microphone and are about to explain what made this scientific achievement possible. Let’s have a listen. Dr. [insert your name here] is about to speak.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, my colleagues and I are proud to announce what might be the greatest achievement in all of mankind. Previous generations invented the telephone, learned to fly, landed on the moon – but today, we conquer death itsel–”
Screeeeeechhhhhh.
“Just a second, Mark. A woman has just driven up alongside the stage here and gotten out of her car, shouting. She appears to be pleading with the scientists, but it’s hard to tell what she’s saying since she’s not close to the microphone. I could be mistaken, but it sounded a little like, ‘are you trying to put me out of a job?’”
“Very disturbing. Valerie, can you and the cameraman get a little closer and try to make out what she’s saying? And meanwhile here at the station we’ll try to find out who this woman is.”
“Sure thing, Mark. The scientists appear to be utterly flabbergasted. Dr. [insert your name here] is trying to reassert control over the situation, but is having a hard time over this distraction.”
“We conquer death itself, and establish a new reign of–” Thud. Sheee-shweeeen-shhreeee.
“I don’t know if our cameras were in place for that, but the woman has just shoved the podium where all the microphones were mounted and knocked it over. I can just make out what she’s saying. Something about how if nothing ever dies, life will take over this world like a cancer, and the world will run out of resources. She’s talking about how viruses are a form of life, and if they are exposed to this treatment, people will live forever in sickness, misery and starvation. Dr. Singh is trying to explain to her that they plan to implement strict controls over this immortality treatment and ensure it does not spread to viruses or bacteria, but the woman seems unconvinced they can prevent that.”
“Valerie, we’ve just heard some unconfirmed reports by callers to the station that this woman is a blogger who writes – death scenes? Did I hear that right? Okay, yes, death scenes. What a strange hobby. What’s happening out there, Valerie?”
“Mark, this woman is now asking these scientists what gives them the right to determine who lives and dies. And this is a question similar to one I had hoped to ask the scientists. Presumably not everyone will be able to afford this treatment. Will it just be a matter of the rich living on into perpetuity, while the poor and destitute around them are consigned to death? Also, is this a maintenance drug that people will have to keep taking for the rest of their lives, and paying for all the while?”
“Interesting questions, Valerie. How are the scientists responding?”
“Well, Dr. Chao seems to be agreeing that this cure will likely never be available to everyone, but the scientists hope that eventually economies of scale will make it more widely available to most people, not just the super-rich. There will probably always be some issues of access, however, based on geography and economic forces.”
“Valerie, it looks like the woman is walking back to her car – is she just giving up?”
“I don’t think so, Mark. She was just shouting something about knowing a way to make these scientists beg for death and – whoa, is that a sledgehammer? Dr. Chao and Dr. Singh have bolted from the stage, but Dr. [insert your name here] seems frozen to the spot and – we need to cut away.”