24 Feb 2020
Today’s prompt: “Write about a song”
Your earworm today has been wild.
You woke up with Bone Thugs-n-Harmony stuck in your head. “Well there ain’t nowhere to run when judgment comes for you” rolls through your head as you stretch and yawn. “See you at tha crossroads crossroads crossroads” echoes in your mind as you grab your toothbrush. When you turn on the shower, it’s “And I’m gonna miss everybody, and I’m gonna miss everybody when I’m gone.” As the water rolls down your neck, you’re hearing the plaintive cries, “Can somebody anybody tell me why we die, we die? I don’t wanna die.”
When you get to work, though, the songs in your head take a hard right turn. Blue Öyster Cult distracts you during a long meeting. The cowbell fades quickly to the lyrics: “All our times have come/Here but now they’re gone/Seasons don’t fear the reaper/Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain/We can be like they are/Come on baby, don’t fear the reaper….”
As you eat your microwaved chicken tikka masala, it’s Dylan’s voice crawling through your brain. “Mama, take this badge off of me/I can’t use it anymore/It’s getting dark, too dark to see/I feel I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door/Knock knock knockin’ on heaven’s door….”
Later in the afternoon, the earworm switches to Metallica’s “Fade to Black.” Over the guitar riff, you can make out the words, “No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late. Now I can’t think, think why I should even try. Yesterday seems as though it never existed. Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye.”
You just do not get your brain today. It’s a pretty weird combo of genres.
You’re just leaving work, and the music gets all ’90s angsty. The Smiths, “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out.” You’re strolling along the sidewalk, and all you can hear is, “And if a double-decker bus/Crashes into us/To die by your side/Is such a heavenly way to die.” You stride into the crosswalk, the chorus reverberating, “And if a ten-ton truck/Kills the both of us….”
And that’s when the bus’s brakes fail, right while you’re crossing the street.
22 Feb 2020
Today’s prompt: “Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Give some good advice from a completely unreliable source, and convince someone to take this advice.”
You, Matt, Tracy, and Spazzy are on the run from a band of evil, murderous cultists. You’ve just plastered yourselves against the wall around a corner, and about twelve cultists in black robes carrying sharp knives ran right past you. You don’t know that you’ll get that lucky again. “We’ve got to get out of here,” you whisper to the group as the last of the cultists are out of earshot.
“Let’s split up,” Spazzy says.
“Are you crazy?” you say? “Splitting the party is a terrible idea.”
“This isn’t a D&D campaign,” Tracy says.
“Yeah, but are we really thinking about listening to Spazzy on this one? We’re talking about the guy who thought you couldn’t eat goldfish crackers because you’re a vegetarian,” you say to Tracy.
“I think Spazzy’s right, for once,” Matt says. “If one group of us gets out, they can call the police, which might help the others get out safely.”
“That makes sense,” Tracy says.
You look at the others’ faces in turn. “All right,” you say reluctantly.
“Tracy and I will go this way,” Matt says, pointing off to the right. He then points to the left. “You and Spazzy try that way.”
Your groups are barely out of each other’s lines of sight when you hear a scream. It sounds like Tracy! And then there’s her voice: “Matt, you traitor! How could youuuuuu…..”
You keep running until you reach a road, then stop, out of breath.
“Holy crap, Spazzy!” you say. “Was Matt in league with the cultists all along?”
“Hell if I know, dude,” Spazzy says. “Sounds like it. He probably would’ve done the same to us if we’d all stayed together.”
“How did you know he would do that?”
“I didn’t, duderino. I just thought we should split up.”
“Holy shit. What do we do now?”
“Let’s run into the dark woods over there,” Spazzy says.
“Are you nuts?” you say. “Those woods look, like, people were made to die in them. Why don’t we just keep going along the road? We might see, like, a police car. Or a minivan with a safe-looking family in it.”
“I dunno. I just got a good feeling about those woods,” Spazzy says, striding off among the trees. You rush to catch up, muttering under your breath about what a dumb idea this is.
You’ve just disappeared among the trees when you hear a car stop along the road. Then another. Then another. You stop behind a tree and look out. Tons of figures in black robes are piling out of a whole caravan of cars.
“Sweet Christ on a cracker, Spazzy!” you whisper. “If we’d have followed the road, those cultists would have picked us up and killed us immediately!”
“What’d I tell you, duderino?” Spazzy says. “Can’t go wrong with a dark and creepy forest.”
“Well, we’re not out of the woods yet,” you say. “Literally. Let’s go through and try to lose these jerks in robes.”
Spazzy nods, and the two of you move stealthily through the forest. You’ve got a good head start, but you’re pretty sure you can hear voices following you. Before long, you can see beams of flashlights sweeping through the trees and brush behind you.
“Now what, Spazzy?” you whisper, ducking behind a tree to avoid a flashlight’s glare.
“Dude, I saw this in Jurassic Park once. Just stay super quiet and don’t move a muscle. If you don’t move, they can’t see you.”
“They’re not dinosaurs!” you hiss quietly but emphatically.
“Dude, trust me,” Spazzy whispers, and freezes.
You freeze in your tracks, unable to think of anything better to do. Two minutes later, a large man in a black robe carrying a long knife plays a flashlight over your faces. You can’t see him well through the blinding light in your eyes, but as you squint, you think you can make out his smile.
20 Feb 2020
Today’s prompt: “You are a fifty-three-year-old woman living in Chicago. Write a letter to Santa.” (Eh, you can decide what you want to feel like about your own gender and age.)
Dear Santa,
Look, I’m still not convinced you exist, but I don’t know who or what to believe in anymore. I was quite sure God existed, but he hasn’t answered any of my prayers. And Cthulhu, who I knew was fictional, turns out to be quite real and devouring whole neighborhoods. He’s eaten half the South Side of Chicago and is gobbling up the West Side as I write this. Anyway, if you’re out there, all I want for Christmas is to not get eaten by Cthulhu.
I know it’s February, but could you possibly give me my present early this year? I promise to leave milk and cookies.
Love,
[Insert-your-name-here]
18 Feb 2020
Today’s prompt: “Another drunken episode”
Have you ever seen the Jackie Chan movie Drunken Master? He gets drunk and performs incredible martial arts? You’re kind of like that. Only the reverse. You got drunk, and all of a sudden people started attacking you, and what did you do? Why, you were utterly incompetent in that fight. When you attempted a flying kick, you landed on your ass. Your tiger claw only succeeded in overturning a half-empty bottle of whisky. And you managed to head-fu a wall. Your attackers’ martial arts style, on the other hand, is quite deadly.
16 Feb 2020
Today’s prompt: “Five things that always get you into trouble”
- Tequila
- More tequila
- Members of the Black Brotherhood
- Sharp implements
- Bees
One or two of them are bad enough. The confluence of all five turn out to be fatal for you.
14 Feb 2020
Today’s prompt: “At a romantic restaurant on a busy Saturday night, a guy gets down on one knee and begins to propose. You are a sportscaster doing color commentary on the occasion for a live television audience.”
“And ladies and gentlemen there it is, the velvet box, a classic play in the making right here, and he’s getting into position, going down on one knee,” you announce in droll tones into your microphone at a table three feet away.
“Wait, what’s this? The lady looks a bit startled. It looks like she almost spit out a mouthful of wine. Is she going to choke? No, no, she looks all right, but she’s looking back and forth, trying not to look at the man in front of her. Uh oh, did he misread the signs? Let’s look at that on the instant replay. And if you look at it again from this angle, you can see his timing was way off. You probably shouldn’t propose to someone if you haven’t even known them for a full year.
“And now the ball’s in her court and let’s watch what happens next. She says something quietly to him, she looks apologetic almost, and then, whoa, she picks up her purse, she stands up and she is walking! Out! Of the restaurant! Oh man, that had to hurt. He’s looking right this way. See the hurt and the sadness and the anger in those eyes. And now, in an unusual move, he’s walking this direction and–”
The man backhands your microphone to the restaurant floor and punches you, and does not stop punching you. The back of your head hits the table leg as you fall to the floor, a blow that will prove fatal, but despite all that, he does not stop punching you. He punches, and as he punches, he shouts: “That! Woman! Was! The light! Of my! Life! And you! Ruined! Everything!”
12 Feb 2020
Today’s prompt: “Write your own Back to the Future moment: Describe how your parents met and how those tiny details set the stage for their relationship and your existence.”
The ghostly apparition of your hand silently slides through the guitar strings as you watch your parents dance off with different partners. Two days ago, your untimely arrival in the past – bursting loudly through the door of the roller rink where your parents met – so distracted your mother that she stopped in the middle of the floor. Your father, who was careening wildly across the rink, unable to stop, hit another young woman instead of your mom, and after she got back up and helped him to his feet, they struck up a conversation the way he and your mom were supposed to, and now they’re here at the dance together. Meanwhile, one of the school football players turned out to be sweet on your mom and asked her out when he heard she didn’t have a date. And now here your mom and dad are, dancing away from each other, as you fade slowly from existence.
It’d be tragic if they didn’t all seem so happy.