Dead Man's Party
18 May 2020Today’s prompt: “Write a story based on the title of your favorite song.”
They found you with a party hat on your head, a slice of birthday cake in front of you, and a pound of confetti in your lungs.
Today’s prompt: “Write a story based on the title of your favorite song.”
They found you with a party hat on your head, a slice of birthday cake in front of you, and a pound of confetti in your lungs.
Today’s prompt: “You are going to appear on a talk show. The producer comes backstage to elicit a funny story that the host should focus on. Write the story like a monologue you’re giving on national TV.”
So the other day I decided to replace this crappy old mattress I’ve had for like, way too long. I order the new mattress, and the day after it arrives I decide to take my old mattress to Goodwill. So I put the mattress in the back of my truck and drop it off at their donation site, and on the drive back home I’m sitting in traffic when I hear just this really loud “thunk” sound and my truck shook a bit. Thought maybe I’d been rear-ended. So I get out of the truck, and the driver behind me just looks white as a sheet, and he’s like, pointing at the back of my truck. I look into the back, and Christ almighty, there’s a body there, half-covered by a ripped up parachute. And all I can think is man, too bad this didn’t happen like twenty minutes ago.
Today’s prompt: “Write a poem about a tomato”
You were just killed by
A delicious tomato
Spiked with cyanide
Today’s prompt: “Everyone was laughing, except you.”
“Hold my beer,” you said, passing your Natty Light to Doug. You stepped into the water skis and grabbed the bungee cord attached to Bruce’s pickup truck with your left hand and your firearm in your right hand. Bruce put the truck into four-wheel drive. The tires spun in the muddy dirt lot, plastering your torso and chin with earth splatters. “Waahoo!” you shouted as the truck shuddered forward. The bungee cord stretched out, and then your skis scraped along gravel and dirt and puddles. You fired your gun in the air as the truck picked up speed.
Bruce turned onto the street and you leaned into the 90-degree turn, but you weren’t going fast enough to maintain your balance that way. “Speed up!” you shouted to Bruce, but it was too late. You fell on your side into the street.
Bruce heard you, though, and put it in gear and gunned it. Your buddies ran into the street, cheering and laughing and chasing you. The bungee cord was somehow wrapped around your hand. You couldn’t let go. You were dragged behind the Toyota Tundra for three blocks before Bruce looked in the rearview mirror and couldn’t see you. He slammed on the brake, and that’s when the bungee cord snapped back, smashing you into the tailgate and killing you instantly.
You gotta admit. It was kind of funny.
Today’s prompt: “Pick your most cherished political view and convincingly argue the other side.” [Taking some major liberties with this one.]
Look, I think we can all agree that the anti-miscegenation laws of yore were rascist and vile. And certainly we can agree that laws banning gay marriage were equally bigoted. But laws banning marriage between Old Ones and humans are just common sense. The body count we’ve seen in relationships like these ought to be enough of an argument by itself. Susanna Birch and Arwassa – she ends up with her head bitten off by the freaky toothless mouth on Arwassa’s neck. Jonathan Somerset and Yhagni – Yhagni ends up feeding off of him like a parasite, as she does with all her other victims. [Insert-your-name-here] and Xotli – they were frozen by the dark vortex of frigid air Xotli manifested as. It’s tragic, really.
Today’s prompt: “Write a press release announcing the biggest moment in your life. Pitch why this event is of interest to the masses and the reporters who will decide whether to cover it.”
Tacos Del R’lyeh Debuts New Human Meat Menu
The all-new menu of craveable tacos, tostadas, burritos and crunchwraps is made with 100% fresh ground or shredded human
R’lyeh, South Pacific (May 8, 2020) – Tacos Del R’lyeh is treating its fans to an all-new menu sensation with tacos, burritos, gorditas and quesadillas made from premium human meat. Now in addition to enjoying their favorite items with chicken, beef, bean and steak, Old Ones can try out the entire Tacos Del R’lyeh line with succulent human meat. Human meat comes either ground or shredded and is spiced to perfection in true Tacos Del R’lyeh style.
“This bold new selection of human meat menu items completely transforms the Tacos Del R’lyeh menu into something we’re sure fans will love even more than ever before,” said Gleen, The Corrupter of Flesh, Tacos Del R’lyeh’s Senior Vice President of Research and Development.
“At Tacos Del R’lyeh, we believe in sharing the stories behind our food. For example, this chalupa was made from a human named [insert-your-name-here], who was harvested fresh from their house this morning while pulling weeds in their front yard and singing ‘Margaritaville,’” Gleen said, taking a big bite of the crunchily-wrapped, decadently cheesy chalupa.
Sure to become a hit among Great Old Ones, Outer Gods and shoggoths alike, human-meat tacos and burritos were first introduced in the original R’lyeh branch of Tacos Del R’lyeh, but they are rolling out worldwide later this month.
Today’s prompt: “Write a music review for the sounds of your life – your personal, everyday soundtrack.”
Your album, “Day in the Life,” has a few standout tracks, but on the whole is fairly humdrum. Take the second song on the album, “Texting with Friends.” The whole thing is just “pak pak pak pak zhwoop, pak pak pak pak pak pok pak pak pok pak pak pak pak pok zhwoop.” The instrumentation could be called unique for a musical release, although it’s certainly familiar to anyone with an iPhone. I suppose there are some out there who would call it a searing indictment of the way we’ve allowed our human interactions to be subsumed by technology, and I might have been willing to give it that credit if the song ever actually went anywhere. The conceit starts out interesting, but the arrangement is fairly banal. It’s good white noise if you find yourself having trouble getting to sleep.
I honestly think I would have liked “Texting with Friends” were it not immediately followed by the nearly identical “Typing at Work,” with its series of “tak tak taks.” You probably should have spaced those out a bit.
“Mowing the Lawn” shakes things up a bit. It’s got a great opening hook with the “Vvvv. Vvvv. Vvvv. Vvvv.” of the lawnmower cord being pulled and failing to catch. But after that, it gets a bit monotonous, with the only change in the “vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv” tone coming when you hit a particularly weedy patch.
But there are, as I said, standout tracks, ones I will recommend to all my friends. “Being Chased by Knife-Wielding Killers Through a Parking Lot?” Sheer genius. Every footstep, every huffed breath utterly dynamic, and your screams at the end gave me chills. It’ll make my Top 20 list for the year for sure.