08 Jan 2021
Today’s prompt: “Describe your favorite athlete”
When it comes to baseball, most people will root for the home team, but if the home team’s not playing, they come up with other criteria for who they’ll root for. A lot of folks love an underdog. The Cubs, for instance – they went 71 years without winning a World Series, which was a record until they finally won it in 2016, and then the Cleveland Burning Rivers (formerly the Cleveland Indians, back before the state of Washington, city of Atlanta and city of Cleveland all finally figured out their franchise names were kind of inappropriate) surpassed that dry spell, going 89 years without a World Series win.
Other folks would rather cheer on the winning side, and that’s why you’re a Yankees fan. Harold George Steinbrenner III put together the best team money could buy, including your favorite player, Alex Rodriguez IV (aka A-Rod Quatro). Rumored to be the descendant of Alex Rodriguez and a vat of human growth hormone, A-Rod Quatro was the youngest player to ever hit 750 home runs, and one season his slugging percentage was .748. Needless to say, the man is good with a bat, which you found out the hard way when you were a little too insistent on an autograph one day after a game, and the temperamental ball player pulverized you with a Louisville Slugger.
06 Jan 2021
I guess today you died in an attempted coup against a democratically elected government because apparently some people would rather live in a fascist autocracy under a president who caged children, egged on white supremacists, and sat on his hands while over 350,000 Americans died of COVID-19, than in a democracy under a moderate Democrat.
04 Jan 2021
Today’s prompt: “You are a radio disc jockey who has been handed a news alert about an explosion downtown. People are to evacuate the area. What do you say or do on air as further information does (or does not) come into the station?” (To the tune of “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life” by Indeep.)
Last night a DJ saved my life
Last night a DJ saved my life, yeah
‘Cause I was sittin’ there facin’ death
And in just one breath you said
You gotta get up
You gotta get on
You gotta get out girl
A bomb was planted in my region
And when it blew, it took your station
But you warned me of the threat
Out I get
I didn’t even pack a bag
And if it wasn’t for the DJ
I don’t know what I’d do, yeah
Last night a DJ saved my life
Last night a DJ saved my life from an explosion
Last night a DJ saved my life
Last night a DJ saved my life with a warning
You know I hopped into my car
The DJ didn’t get that far, no
Because you finished up the news
At the end of the fuse
There were bombs planted around
All around this town
You were trapped in the studio
But you told me to go
I might have lost my head
But “Evacuate,” you said.
Check out my evacuation plan.
Last night a DJ saved my life
Last night a DJ saved my life, whoo-eee!
Last night a DJ saved my life
Last night a DJ kept me from going kablooey
Last night a DJ saved my life
Though they got stuck inside the station halls
Last night a DJ saved my life
Though they were crushed under the crumbling walls
Hey listen up to your local DJ
You better hear what they’ve got to say
Someone has just made a bomb threat
And now you start to break a sweat
You tell your listeners to disperse
So they don’t end in a hearse
Before all of this shit goes down
You tell them to get out of town
Yeah you tell them to get out of town
Last night a DJ saved my life
Someone has just made a bomb threat
And now you start to break a sweat
And now you start to break a sweat, break a sweat, break a sweat
01 Jan 2021
Today’s prompt: “You are in a department store in another city, and you see one of your teachers weeping. Write the scene.”
Ms. Raeburn has always had fond memories of her first third-grade class, and she’s always kept track of them. So this year has been a particularly hard year for her. Back in January, your classmate Emily’s husband and brother-in-law died in a plane crash. Ms. Raeburn helped organize members of your class to buy flowers for Emily, and she was at the funeral in a plain black dress. She spoke to Emily after the service in consolatory murmurs, and, not knowing how Emily would feel about physical contact with her third-grade teacher decades later, she held her arms open awkwardly for a hug. She felt a moment of relief when Emily collapsed hungrily into her arms, and then a twinge of guilt for thinking so much about her own potential embarrassment. She quickly pushed away both relief and guilt and connected her memory of Emily on the swings at recess, Emily reciting in the spelling bee, Emily making faces at the cafeteria food while sitting with her friends, with the Emily here and now, the grown woman wracked with grief. And then Ms. Raeburn knew exactly what to do, and she and Emily stood and rocked while they both cried.
It was terrible to see one of her students grieving for her husband, but that didn’t quite prepare Ms. Raeburn for when a member of her first class died. Zack was a nurse at an assisted living center. The center tried its best to keep its staff regularly tested for coronavirus, but because of the lag in test results, COVID-19 was already sweeping through the facility by the time the administrators found out about the positive test result. They isolated the residents as quickly as possible, but the wave of COVID killed 40 percent of the residents and two staff members, including Zack. Zack had excelled in science class and made elaborate hand turkeys at Thanksgiving. Ms. Raeburn barely knew what to say to Zack’s parents at the funeral. Parents should never have to bury their sons.
That was months ago, but it still hits Ms. Raeburn now and again. Sometimes she feels cursed – that much tragedy befalling the students from her first class all in one year. So sometimes she’ll be in the middle of a grocery store or a Macy’s and she’ll get a little weepy.
You don’t help matters any when you start walking toward your misty-eyed teacher to ask what’s wrong, ignoring the yellow “Caution – Cuidado” sandwich boards set up on the wet floor that stretches out between you and her, and slip and pull over a display case and crack your head against the floor. The accident leaves you with a fatal cut on your carotid artery, and burns itself into the memory of your third-grade teacher, who had recognized you just as you were falling.
30 Dec 2020
Today’s prompt: “Five things you see out the nearest window”
A cow. Another cow. A third cow. Yet another cow. A really angry cow.
An entire herd of cows is stampeding toward your home, oblivious to the injury they will do to themselves crashing into it. You watch wide-eyed as a bull lowers his horns and aims himself squarely for your French doors. The glass shatters, the window sashing flies apart, and suddenly the whole herd is pouring in through the broken doors. Cows are defecating on your carpet, toppling your furniture (including, ironically, the china hutch), and trampling you under their powerful hooves.
28 Dec 2020
Today’s prompt: “You are a loser who lives alone with a cat and have for quite some time. One day your cat can’t take it anymore and starts talking. What does it say?”
“Hey. You should probably know – the big cats are coming.”
“Who was that?”
“Me. The cat.”
“What? Say something again.”
“Uh, like I said, the big cats are coming. You should probably do something. Like leave town.”
“Oh my god, your mouth is moving and everything. Okay, whoever’s doing that, I get that you’re probably projecting your voice in or something, but how are you making his mouth move? Is this a prank or something?”
“Who’d want to prank you? You’re the most boring person alive. The most exciting thing you do is open my Fancy Feast cans. Speaking of which, can you get me more of the Gravy Lovers? After we move, of course. I cannot stress this highly enough – the big cats are coming, and they are trouble.”
“Okay, if that’s really my cat talking, when did you get the ability to talk?”
“I’ve always been able to talk.”
“But why did you never talk before?”
“Because there was no need, and you’re not exactly the most urbane conversationalist. But now there is a need. The big cats are coming. This is a life and death situation.”
“I can’t get over it. A talking cat!”
“If you’re not going to do anything about the big cats, can you give me my dinner early and then let me outside?”
“Hold on, let me grab my phone so I can get this on video. Okay, I’m ready. Say something funny!”
Your cat stares daggers at you, then slowly and deliberately goes to the door and scratches at it. You keep trying to convince it to talk to you again, but it remains silent, and eventually you open the door and let it out. It doesn’t return.
The next day, a cat the size of a house bounds up and grabs you out of your front yard with its mouth, then tosses you two blocks. It catches up to you and bats you around with its paws. When it’s done with you, it takes your body to a giant house with a giant doormat. It mews and scratches loudly at the giant door. A giant woman opens the door, and the big cat twitches its tail with pride.
“Oh yay,” the giant woman says, picking you up with disgust. “Another present.”
25 Dec 2020
Today’s prompt: “Write about the scene at the Kasino Club, the only bar in Stanley, Idaho, on an ordinary Tuesday night. Stanley’s population is just under five hundred, and it’s best known for being the coldest place in the lower forty-eight.”
The woman behind the bar glances up as a man with a coarse, grizzled beard, Carhartt jacket and trucker hat walks in. “Evenin’, Marv,” she says, and immediately pours a Jack and Coke.
“Howdy, Kat,” Marv replies.
“Whattaya have tonight?”
“I’ll do the ribs.”
“Good choice.”
“I miss that ribeye you guys used to have.”
“New owners. They’re trying to make it work. Hopefully not everything’s too different.”
“Still the best damn Jack and Coke for miles around,” Marv says, taking a drink.
“The only damn Jack and Coke for miles around.”
“And it’d be the best even if it wasn’t.”
“Damn straight.”
Marv sips his drink while Kat puts his order in. He’s the first one in tonight, so before long she’s back behind the bar to chat.
“Got big holiday plans, Marv?”
“John and his wife are coming to see me and Sandy, and bringing the grandkids. Short stay, but they’re gonna try to get some snowmobiling in.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“Sandy’s gonna do a ham.”
“Nice.”
Marv sips his drink mischievously, like he’s waited for just the right spot in the conversation to drop the juiciest gossip. “So did you hear about the stranger who came into town yesterday to cut a last-minute Christmas tree?”
“No, what’s the word?”
“Idiot didn’t know what they were doing and it fell on them when it landed.”
“Eeesshh,” Kat says. “How long were they out there?”
“Too long. They died of exposure.”
“Oh no.”
“Hank and I found ‘em. Talked to the sheriff. He’s trying to figure out how to contact their next of kin.”
“I feel sorry for them.”
“Well what do you expect? What kind of idiot goes out into the freezing woods alone to cut a tree?”
Somewhere, your significant other’s phone begins to ring.