Ulysses

Today’s prompt: “You are a contemporary Hollywood executive writing to James Joyce to suggest ways Ulysses could be made more ‘filmable.’ For example, add action sequences, create a happy ending, look for scenes that could use CGI special effects, suggest box-office names to play the roles and pop rock songs for the soundtrack.”

James! Bubbeleh! I tell you, Ulysses! It’s got legs, baby! And not just the legs of the woman in stockings that Leopold Bloom stares at in part 5, amirite? Seriously, James, baby, Ulysses the movie, it’s got promise, I tell you. The stream-of-consciousness, the allusions to Greek mythology, chef’s kiss, mwah! I can just see the scene where Bloom pan-fries the kidneys for breakfast. The dramatic tension, you could cut it with a spoon! Bloom’s disintegrating marriage … the bombastic usurper Buck Mulligan … all the action happening in a single day … genius, I tell you. And that modernistic style where you can hardly tell who’s talking, and it’s usually in weird run-ons, and sometimes it’s written like newspaper headlines, why, it practically translates itself to the screen! I’ve just got a few tiny little suggestions for how to really make it blockbuster material, to turn Bloomsday into Boomsday, yuh know what I mean? I really think Ulysses could benefit from the Michael Bay treatment. Needs more explosions! Like this one! [At this point, the producer lights a stick of dynamite, opens his office window, and lets it fall to where you, a stunt person, were walking below his window.] It’s gonna be beautiful, baby!