Headlines

Today’s prompt: “Ten headlines you’d like to see in the New York Times today and why” [Subheadings follow colons or, in first headline, question marks.]

“End of Pandemic? No COVID Deaths Reported Yesterday; Hospitalizations Down Again”
“Robot Uprising Averted: Computer Scientists Discover Bug in Skynet Just In Time”
“Conflicts in Myanmar, Afghanistan, Yemen, Tigray Cease: War Deaths Hit Zero in Unprecedented Simultaneous Peace Agreements”
“Comet Just Misses Earth: ‘That Was a Close One,’ Scientist Says”
“No More Mass Shootings: Gun Owners Throw Weapons Into the Sea as Manufacturers Cease Production”
“Cthulhu Lies Dreaming: Elder God Rises, Is Tranquilized Before Causing Damage”
“January Police Shootings Drop to Zero as Cities Embrace Alternatives: Crime Rates Fall; Police Unions Express Bafflement”
“Zombie Outbreak Harmless After All: ‘Turns Out They Like Ice Cream, Not Brains,’ Scientist Says”
“‘Miracle Cure’ Found for Cancer: Pharmaceutical Company Insists on Keeping Drug Affordable”
“Tourist Unharmed In Freak Accident at The Met: [Insert your name here] Nearly Impaled By Lance in Arms and Armor Department”

Look, clearly they’re all wishful thinking, but I’m sitting here in this pandemic-slash-zombie apocalypse hiding from robots and Cthulhu. A girl can dream, can’t she?

Oh, yeah, sorry about that accident with the suit of armor, but this is why they tell you not to touch things.