Cthulhu Q&A

Today’s prompt: “Interview a person you think you know well. Ask questions you’ve never before asked.”

You: Hey, Cthuhu, we’ve known each other for a while now, right?
Cthuhu: For about as long as I’ve known any sub-Elder God, sure.
You: What do you like to eat when you’re not eating humans?
Cthulhu: Mostly I just like eating humans.
You: Right, but, variety’s the spice of life. What else do you like to eat?
Cthulhu: I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich once. It was pretty good.
You: You had a peanut butter and banana sandwich?
Cthulhu: I mean, not intentionally. It just happened to be in a human’s pocket.
You: Oh, cool. Do you think you could live off of peanut butter and banana sandwiches?
Cthulhu: “Live off?”
You: You know. Subsist on.
Cthulhu: I do not live in the way your limited sub-Elder God mind can process.
You: Okay.
Cthulhu: I exist outside of space and time.
You: Okay.
Cthulhu: I do not require food for subsistence.
You: Okay.
Cthulhu: That doesn’t mean I don’t get hungry.
You: Of course! Of course.
Cthulhu: You get it.
You: So could you be sated with peanut butter and banana sandwiches?
Cthulhu: Don’t be ridiculous.
You: But they’ve got protein, and potassium.
Cthulhu: They also get stuck to the roof of your mouth.
You: Sure, but–
Cthulhu: And humans have that nice bone crunch and those juicy insides.
You: Right.
Cthulhu: So who did you bring for me to eat today?
You: So, uh, I was thinking. How about a nice sandwich today? I’ve got a bunch of bananas in my kitchen, and a loaf of bread, and some peanut butter.
[Pause.]
Cthulhu: How many slices of bread are there?
You: Let’s see. I had a couple sandwiches already from it, so it looks like maybe, 16?
Cthulhu: So, enough for eight sandwiches.
You: Sixteen, if we make them open face.
Cthulhu: Don’t be crass, they’re messy enough as is. Let’s have a look at those bananas.
You (holding up bananas): Here they are.
Cthulhu: Those are verging on black already.
You: They’re great for banana bread that way!
Cthulhu: What’s the weight on that loaf of bread?
You: The wrapper says 24 ounces.
Cthulhu: And those bananas. How much do they weigh?
You: Maybe a couple pounds?
Cthulhu: And how much do you weigh?
You: That’s kind of a personal question.
Cthulhu: A lot more than eight sandwiches.
You: I could always make a run to the store.
Cthulhu: I’m very hungry.
You: …So aside from eating, what do you like to do in your spare time?
Cthulhu: Very hungry.