General Assembly
17 Sep 2019Today’s prompt: “Write a stand-up comedy routine to address the United Nations.”
“Wow, the General Assembly. Is there a Specific Assembly?”
What. The. Fuck. What fresh hell is this? In all your years as a diplomat, you’ve never once had a comedy opener for a meeting of the UN.
You’ve also never had a massive squadron of troops from a paramilitary organization associated with a cult storm the UN building. They martyred themselves by the score, but still managed to overwhelm security and take the gathered ambassadors and staff hostage. Right during the special session to discuss the cultist menace, too.
And now, with the soldiers of the Order of the Bloated Worm barring the doors and training weapons on the assembly, the leader of Nyarlathotep’s worshippers is addressing you. And he’s decided to open with some jokes.
“So, how about that cultist threat?” he says. “Okay, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, the Bloated Worm needs to devour your brains. The good news is, you don’t need to worry about fixing global warming any more!”
Hushed mumbles rustle through the assembly as staff members translate the joke. Good god, the situation is bad enough as it is. Do the jokes have to be this bad, too?
“Man, that Nyarlathotep is something else. I once got into an argument with a member of the Brotherhood of the Black Pharoah about whose god was greater. Took forever for us to figure out we were actually talking about the same guy! We laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I killed him anyway because seriously, nobody disses the Bloated Worm.”
Yikes. You guess that’s what passes for humor in cult circles.
Several cult followers appear to be placing what looks like C4 throughout the room. Their leader continues his routine.
“Nyarlathotep has so many cults for his different forms, we could probably form our own UN with all his different worshippers. We’d meet about the Middle East conflict, and Afghanistan, and the violence in the Congo, and we’d fix everything! Just have Nyarlathotep destroy everyone in the region, and boom! Problem solved! Malaria in Africa? No problem! Bats eat mosquitoes, so just summon him in his L’rog’g the Bat God form. He’ll probably polish the humans off for dessert, but hey, can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs. Ongoing disaster relief still a problem in Haiti? As the Floating Horror, Nyarlathotep will be all over it with his blue, veiny tentacles. And all over the populace as a whole, am I right?”
Are these even supposed to be jokes?
The last whispers of translated joke-threat finish murmuring through the assembly, and silence hangs in the air.
“Jeez, tough crowd,” the cult leader says. “Man, I’m bombing up here. I am literally bombing up here,” he says, pressing down the detonator and igniting the explosives.