Asking for Directions

Today’s prompt: “Write, in ridiculous detail, directions on how to get to your house.”

You’re going to want to take Main Street west to 12th. Hang a right on 12th. Take a left when you see a body hanging from a tree with Dutch Elm Disease. About two blocks from there, you’ll see a house with a giant pentagram painted in blood below the gabled roof. Take a left. Turn right when you see a house with several mounds in the front yard teeming with maggots. Turn left about a block past the house with its windows boarded up and graffiti on the door saying “The Antichrist Lives Here.” Get out of your car and walk through the tunnel that looks like a giant mouth. It’s about a mile of pure blackness. Make sure you stay to the right to avoid the pit traps. Once you get out of that, you’ll enter a literal minefield. Plant your right foot on the concrete paver, the one with the M&M’s wrapper next to it. Good. Now put your left foot next to the rhododendron bush. You don’t know your plants? Okay, it’s the one with the pink flower and the leaves arranged in a spiral. You got it, you got it. Okay. Put your right foot in that footprint next to the pointy rock. Excellent. Now put your left foot on the piece of OSB with the green edge – OSB? That’s oriented strand board no no what are you doing that’s red are you COLOR BLIND?

Oh, shit, you were. Sorry about that.