R'lyeh Talk
28 Jan 2019Today’s prompt: “The talk-show host”
SM: “And we’re back! If you’re just tuning in, this is R’lyeh Talk with me, your host, Steven Maul. With me is frequent guest of the show and High Priest of the Church of Shub-Niggurath, Ben Knight!”
[Audience cheers.]
BK: “Thanks for having me, Steven!”
SM: “And, with the group that calls themselves the Resistance, [insert-your-name-here]. [Insert-your-name-here], what do you have to say for yourself?”
You: “I – wait, what?”
SM: “You’ve been stoking fears for some time against The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. Today we’re having you and Ben Knight on to engage in a little R’lyeh Talk!”
You: “I don’t know if I’d use the phrase ‘stoking fears’ so much as ‘warning the public.’ Shub-Niggurath’s followers have been known to offer her blood sacrifices, usually of people. We have proof.”
BK: “You’re not still talking about that grainy footage out of Kansas City, are you? That’s long since been discredited.”
You: “No, it hasn’t, the woman who shot it was intimidated into making that statement! And–”
BK: “Oh, please.”
You: “And other videos have cropped up since then!”
BK: “Those aren’t even convincing fakes!”
SM: “[Insert-your-name-here], I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop slandering Shub-Niggurath. This isn’t that type of show.”
You: “O-okay.”
SM: “Ben, how large of a threat to the republic would you characterize groups like the Resistance who plant fake stories about Shub-Niggurath in order to excuse and distract from their own hateful crimes against the Great Old One and her many innocent followers?”
You: “Wait, I thought this wasn’t that type of show?”
BK: “Steven, it’s no exaggeration and certainly no slander to say that groups like the Resistance are a major threat to this country. We all need to get right with Shub-Niggurath so she will bestow her blessings on this nation. Shub-Niggurath smiles on her followers, and we in her church want to show believers how they can be their best selves. Groups like the Resistance want to destroy all our good work, not only with their doctored videos of so-called ‘sacrifices’ that they use to try to scare people, but last weekend a member of the Resistance assaulted one of our young female parishioners.”
You: “The full-length footage shows the exact opposite of that. She was trying to steal his camera and pushed him several times. He never struck her – only tried to prevent her from grabbing his camera – you’re the one doctoring–”
SM: “I guess what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
You: “We’ve never–”
SM: “Ben, I’d like you to talk a little more about how Shub-Niggurath can help us be our best selves.”
BK: “Happy to, Steven. Shub-Niggurath treats her followers like her own children. She nurses us, and we can even be reborn from her, in ways that are truly transformational. Her love for us changes our entire being and endows us with immortality.”
[Splitscreen with you and Brian Knight shows you rolling your eyes.]
You: “Yeah, I’ve heard about this too. Look, I’ll admit I don’t have hard and fast proof on this, but my understanding is that people who drink Shub-Niggurath’s milk turn into ferocious beasts, and that some of her worshippers are swallowed up into her womb and then spat back out as satyrs.”
SM: “Now that’s enou–”
BK: “I know, isn’t it wonderful?”
[Steven Maul nervously raps a stack of papers on his desk.]
SM: “Ha ha, such a kidder, Ben! Well, I guess we’ll all get to see for ourselves how wonderful this Outer Goddess is, because guess what, ladies and gentlemen, we are so honored today to be able to welcome our final guest of today’s show, the Black Goat of the Woods herself, Shub-Niggurath!”
[Thunderous applause. A massive shape with black tentacles, dripping mouths and goat legs appearing around its form suddenly looms behind you.]
SM: “Well I have tons of questions for Shub-Niggurath, but my producers are telling me we need to take a quick break. Stay tuned, because you do not want to miss this discussion!”
[Two minute ad break, during which you are devoured by Shub-Niggurath.]
SM: “Welcome back to R’lyeh Talk. I’m afraid one of our guests from before the break, [insert-your-name-here], had an emergency come up and won’t be able to join us for this segment. But I know we’re all looking forward to a great conversation with the Outer Goddess Shub-Niggurath! So, Shub-Niggurath, what’s it like to be an immortal being beyond all comprehension?”